day 362

Now.
all I am.
disappear.
No.
I can't.
disappear.
repeat the performance of emancipation
Now,
I,
give myself a voice.
set myself free?
my hands,
sealed
by the fate of my words

I'll pretend to be me.
I'll pretend to be me.
I'll pretend to be me.
I'll pretend to be me.
I'll pretend to be me.
I'll pretend to be me.
I'll pretend to be me.

I'll forgive myself.
I'll forgive myself.
I'll forgive myself.
I'll forgive myself.
I'll forgive myself.
I'll forgive myself.
I'll forgive myself.

it's good to be me.
it's good to be we.
it's good to be me.
it's good to be we.
it's good to be me.
it's good to be we.
it's good to be me.

looming mother's words, silence pleases the game to end; conflicts galore, though they have their last seconds to announce their ends. how do we escape words? please don't wait. please don't wait. I am a child. I am child. I cannot stay awake. I cannot.

I may not cry.
I may not smile.
I may not clap.
I may not sing.
I may not laugh.
I may not scream.
I may not say, 'Oh.'

there. here I lie. looking up at stars that disappeared light years ago. what's real? what's fake? The mystery is not the answer. it's my perception. recklessly feeling my way, which way, sowing seeds as I stand, I pee in my pants. Sorry soul. eluding me, perpetually. I don't get myself.

I don't get myself.
I don't get myself.
I don't get myself.
I don't get myself.
I don't get myself.
I don't get myself.

there. the disappearance is never complete. the erasure is never complete. There is nothing to erase. Never begin. already moving. I move. the words move. there. beside you. the words lie beside and apart from you.

today. This day. (which day?) today. again. I shall break apart the seal that ties us both together. to gather words, enough courage to say, and I will repeat my voice, by virtue of my silence in writing; hard keyboard, cold monitor screens:

I ignore myself.
I ignore myself.
I ignore myself.
I ignore myself.
I ignore myself.

I fade with the blinking of my eyes. Flickering lights, departing souls that enliven the hasty nights. To company me, wisdom departs with bitterness. If it is true, I have to believe in the false too. Nothing is left for me to hope; despair. We're next to each other. We're also not next to each other.

We'll reach a conclusion.
We'll reach a conclusion.
We'll reach a conclusion.
We'll reach a conclusion.

Sun will not rise. Comes and goes in linear repetition. I won't return to see you yesterday.
Moon will not set. What moves? Who moves? Stop lying. You won't see the universe from there. there. I see you. Do you see me? Alas, the real, fleeting us with blatant disrespect. I'll govern my resistance from now on. Restraint. Perspire till death.

I'm on a threadmill called rainbow.
I'm on a threadmill called rainbow.
I'm on a threadmill called rainbow.

My blood, child's tears that reached no one. The arms, broken branches, forests with no names, there I venture. Tired of exploring. It's getting harder to get. It's harder to sleep. I'm finding. I don't want to find anyone other than you.

I'm cold.
I'm warm.

I try too hard. No. Life is hard. My head touches my toes. I lick my toes. Then I sit up. I raise my arms. I stand up. I walk on my hands. I fall. I laugh. No change of perspective will stop something essential. I am I.

I meet you.

Then we shall disappear. Death comes like an accident. Seven times we try too hard. Perfect death. It is chronological. It is excruciatingly progressive. River flows. Carry me to my last words. Drift. Then I die.