day 314

I can't keep up with appearances. I chose, instead, to avoid and to hide.
I can't keep up with myself. I have versions, that my current perspective is but one.
And this current perspective just observes and writes the multiplicity down.
He is but helpless.
He can only reflect in retrospect. He cannot gain an advantage over the rest.
To be a lighthouse is to guide but to be too far to save if a ship should sink.
To be a tree is to stand tall but to be helpless if it is be cut down.
there is nowhere to return to;
hence I can only drag myself forward; Or onward.

The difference between for and on?
For someone, for myself, for something. tangible or intangible.
I am but myself. If there is no one, nothing, empty.

On someone, on myself, on something. Oppressive, repressive and aggressive.
I am but myself. If you should cut me down. And if you should miss my revolving light/darkness.
Perhaps, the truth is that it is both for and on.

forever on, the everest of my attempts to be someone - that is to love.
And to love demands a simplicity. I don't really have it.

I trap myself in a cave, willing only to see what I can see. I don't keep things simple, reacting too much at the slightest of expectations.
I prefer to hide in my cave. There is no one to be in relation to, except myself; except myself!
That I cannot escape. On myself; For myself. The two imperceptible conditions of my self.
I'm sorry I judge. I judge myself fiercer.
I'm sorry I scold. I scold myself more sarcastically.

There is no one more critical of myself than myself. And that is the scary thought. The scary fear of being alone.

Judge me, I can't stand the burden of my self-abuse.