day 77

A Little Step    

I stood a little distance away from him when it occurred to me that I should not speak out my thoughts to him. That little step back was the beginning of the deterioration. Our friendship ended that day. There was little left for us to continue this. It seemed to me that all I could do was to keep quiet. He had no idea that the step back was so symbolic. But it did not matter since what I was about to do after that meeting was always going to difficult for him to notice. To put it simply, to him, my existence was not one of friendship, but of convenience. I just happened to be there.

The little step, a small step back, raising a foot back, and firmly placing it on the ground, was the beginning of everything. I did not know what gave me the instinct and the courage to do that. But I did. Everything was not planned. I just did what I did. The rationalizing of the motive and the later plan to destroy this friendship came very much later. I had to do what I must. But the resolution was made without thought. It was done unconsciously. I just happened to do it.

To make matters worse, he did not notice that fatal step. He smiled and continued to relate to me his story of his success. My flaw was to be jealous. For it did not occur to me till then that friendship is a jealous affair. It ripens what was envy to jealousy. If he was less successful, perhaps I would not have been so resentful to his success. All I could see at that point was his wonderful delirium written all over his proud face. I just smiled, and stepped back.

To make matters simpler, my conscience pricked at me. After a faithful five minutes, I could understand why I was so irritated. I did not have his success. To be friends, usually it means there is some equality of status or some even ground in which two can share a space and time together. To achieve his level of success, he has instead removed himself from that share space. And I also realized that it was beyond me to achieve what he has achieved. I had to leave. And so I did.

That little step was the beginning of a huge drift. My departure went unannounced. My immediate reaction, though, was to excuse myself for the most trivial reason. I had to go. But he would not allow me to leave at first. I said, "It is time for me to go". It is always time to go. I blinked. And then he looked at his watch and said, "It's still early and I have many things to talk to you about." I was sure he did. After all, we all have many irrelevant things to talk about. But frankly, none concerns me. And so I smiled, and gave him another five minutes of my life. And I nodded repeatedly for the next six minutes.

The last minute was the longest one minute ever. It was never easy saying goodbye to a friend who was not going to be your friend after that minute. Such moments meant that I became nostalgic. There was a time when we were equal. We didn't have chips wagered to see who would be the first to jeopardise the friendship. Somehow, things change when you grow old. Somehow, the same things you said to a friend in the past, don't make the same immediate sense in the present. We laughed, but it was all nostalgic superficiality. I could not forgive myself for my hypocrisy. I could not.

And the last minute finally went and he took the initiative to say, "It is time for me to go too!" And then he left. And I wondered for a second who was the one to initiate the goodbye. The strange twist of event was shocking but it was almost as if I had no strength after the encounter to push the matter on. It was almost too convenient for me. To this day, I still think hard about what I could have done to prevent that. It was out of my control. Utterly. And I did not anticipate his strange reaction. Didn't he have a lot to tell me? I would never know. But he disappeared since then. Despite my faithful intention to lose him as a friend, his disappearance was still shocking to me. But I had to move on.

I can't go on. The pain of losing a friend was unbearable sometimes. But the last minute of his departure still haunts me. The fact remains that we cannot be friends. But I did not like such an open conclusion to this friendship. I need a complete closure. But I did not know how. The words that hide in my mind won't flow. My thoughts fly up but they do not materialise. And now I do even know how I should contact him. It seems as if he has completely disappeared from my life. Completely. Indefinitely. I need answers. But I can't seem to get any.

It would seem as if I was the first one to betray this friendship. I was the one with those sinful thoughts of ending it. It could have been shown on my face; how I felt. It was not pleasant reliving those moments in my mind. I could not quite extract those moments in exact details. It seems my memory fails me sometimes. But I did my best. And nothing has changed with regard to how I felt that I should end the friendship. Although from time to time, I would regret my decision. But never once did I reveal those thoughts to him. Never once.

I conclude that it could be my face. That half-hearted smile and the accompanying blink were to blame for his last reaction. That farewell was too tailored to go unnoticed. I thought I had everything under control. I was supposed to be the one to initiate the final goodbye. After all, I was the one to begin the farewell. At the very least, I should end it. Or so I thought. He took over the situation completely. He probably knew I wanted to leave. He knew. So he tortured me for six more minutes and left me at the seventh minute to reflect forever those last moments. I can't forget them.

And so here I am, alone and forgotten by him. Somehow I wished for it but having to experience it right now, I am not happy. This friendship came to me without warning. And now, it ended just as such. I am clueless. I feel powerless. This is hopeless. Strangely though, I hold on to this faith that someday I will see him again. His success is well-known. His success ensures that he must someday come back and acknowledge it. Right now though, it is so well-known that he must have decided that he needed to rest. That must be it. Sometimes, we have so much success that we don't really know what to do with it, especially when it is unwanted. I must have mistaken him. Maybe he didn't want that success. He spoke to me with the intention of letting me into his inner world and that I would make the effort to understand his pain. But I did not. I selfishly believe that I must be on equal ground with him to accept him as a friend. Perhaps, at that moment, it was not a friend that he needed. He needed a soulmate; a soul that did not question intentions. I was not that soul.

The success he has was not achieved by him. That much I know. However, I must have been deaf to fail to notice his loneliness. I had no time, or so I excused myself with that lousy reason. But to be frank, I had too much time.

Though I wish to reconcile with him, it is not friendship that I seek now. I just want to know, if I could once again, spare that 7 minutes after taking that step back, to step forward and embrace him, without questions, and to tell him that everything would be okay. Life is a little step forward, with many more steps taken backwards.